I left my alcoholic husband yesterday and I am feeling so sad. How do I know I am doing the right thing?
Question by Paula C: I left my alcoholic husband yesterday and I am feeling so sad. How do I know I am doing the right thing?
I tried to get him into treatment and he wouldn’t go. Now that I have left, he finally says he will get help. What should I do? Did I do the right thing for me and my children?
Best answer:
Answer by Bluey
Put him out of your mind for a week or two and then have a think about it again.
What do you think? Answer below!
January 19th, 2012 at 10:29 am
You did the right thing. If he loves you and wants to change he will get the help he needs.
January 19th, 2012 at 10:29 am
you did everything right. you don’t want to put you and ur children in danger.
January 19th, 2012 at 10:49 am
of course u did! congrats girl.
January 19th, 2012 at 11:06 am
Wait it out, see if he really gets treatment. If it’s been a while and there seems to been improvementent then you did the right thing. I would get out of that mairrage if there is no action taken by him to fix his problems. But if he genuinley tries to get help and takes action about his problems, I’d give him a second chance. But be cautious, if he soon goes back to his old ways, get out of there!
January 19th, 2012 at 11:19 am
dont worry, u did the right thing. maybe if u stayed he wouldnt have thought of getting help . maybe leaving him was more of a wake up call. u did the right thing, take care of urself and ur kids now.
best luck
January 19th, 2012 at 11:52 am
have you pray for him,honey try and pray for him and show him love,if you realy love him,then running will not help it,try and help him stop it,leaving him alone is esposing hime to danger
January 19th, 2012 at 12:11 pm
If he is going to AAA or Alanon, wait and see if he attends the meetings regularly. In a few months you will know whether he has changed or not. Of course, you must also understand that in spite of his seeking help, he can relapse anytime.
January 19th, 2012 at 12:44 pm
If it gets him into treatment it’s the right thing.
The catch is that if he is going ” for you ” he will fail. If he has realized and admitted to himself he needs to clean up ,he has a chance.
January 19th, 2012 at 12:45 pm
you did the BEST thing for your children! as a mother we have to put them first! when you leave they will say ANYTHING they can to get you back. and to see there children! an alcoholic is full of them! they will tell you all the time they don’t need help. they can quit if they want to! but you have to be the strong person and he needs to go to treatment and stay sober before you go back. stats even show that children that grow up in an alcoholic home are more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol themselves! just think about that! it is and will be hard, it’s never easy to leave someone you love, but remind him it’s because you love him and want him to get better that you left! he probably wont understand that! but he will when he’s sober and finished treatment! good luck hun you will do the right thing
January 19th, 2012 at 1:31 pm
Words have no meaning without action. He’s only saying that because you left. If he doesn’t carry through, you would have gone back to the same old thing. You should give him a chance to prove that he’s serious before you go back to him. Let him prove that he means what he says. Let him try to stay sober for 3 months (it’ll be a monumental achievement if he can go that long). Make sure he attends all the AA meetings. And yes, alcoholics are alcoholics for life, it doesn’t go away, he can never drink again.
January 19th, 2012 at 1:34 pm
I understand exactly what you are going through, you did do the right thing. Don’t go back yet, let him go to the treatment if he really means it first. You don’t want your kids to see how he acts, think its ok, and grow up to act like he does. It is not your fault he is an alcoholic, it doesn’t mean he is a bad person, but he really does need help to stop. They can’t usually stop on their own. He needs to want to stop though, or he won’t. If you want to keep the relationship, he should get treatment, and you should both go to therapy together.
January 19th, 2012 at 1:50 pm
You are doing the right thing. Right now he says he’ll quit because he’s losing his captive audience and alcoholics cannot function without their audience. If you go back now, everything will go right back the way it was. As hard as it is, don’t go back until he has entered a program and stuck with it at least 6 months. You may find you don’t want to go back at all. Sometimes we are just so used to things being bad that we don’t know what having a good life is. Stay strong and stay firm.
January 19th, 2012 at 2:38 pm
Listen to your heart only.Being an alcoholic is hard enough to recover from, but I can almost assure you, he is not going to make it without your support.Just remember, better or worse…
January 19th, 2012 at 3:34 pm
If he goes to rehab, participate in the family activities. Suggest he goes to a halfway house upon release. Then see if he holds it together three months. Set some clear boundaries in conjunction with his sponsor before you resume living together. You are doing EXACTLY the right thing.
Write to me anytime.
My ex went to rehab 20+ times in the 5 years I was with him and stopped drinking when I left.
EDIT: Get to an AlAnon meeting immediately, today, at lunch time. They can help you stay strong. Google AA.
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/ola/AlAnon_Internet_Meetings.htm
January 19th, 2012 at 3:40 pm
I think you did the right thing and it was best thing espeically that there are children involved.
By not first complying to go to treatment, it seems that your husband was in denial despite the ultinatiums.
Now the reality of the situation is that, “you dont know what you’ve got until its gone” because only now is he willing to go to treatment. But is he sincere? We cant be too sure.
If I were you, I’d keep seperate from him or at least some distance from him while he attends. If you want, you can agree to go to therapy with him occassionally so he knows theres hope with you too since you’d be supporting him.
After treatment, allow sufficient time to pass to ensure that your husband has made necessary changes. If all is well you can consider returning.
I’d let your husband know of this advance. That if he gets clean and stays sober, only then are willing to be back. Until then, hes got lots of work to do.
January 19th, 2012 at 4:26 pm
honey you have answered your own question.
*I tried to get him into treatment and he wouldn’t go. Now that I have left, he finally says he will get help.*
don’t go back. he needs to work through his issues surrounding his alcoholism alone.
your children don’t need to see daddy drink himself to death, that is unhealthy for everyone involved from day dot to the very end of their lives….it will affect thier relationships in the future
if he is serious about getting help support his decision and be a friend to him, but not a lover or a wife. he will (probably unintentionally) drag you further down into his misery – after all it loves company.
get yourself to AA, they have support groups for families of alcoholics, you need to know you are not alone in your journey & so do your kids – counselling is important for you all
there is light at the end of the tunnel. he can make it out, but he has to do it on his own because he wants to, not because he has to
keep your chin up – you have to love him enough to let him destroy himself if that is what he chooses – just love your kids & yourself more cause it’s not their fault dad’s a drunk OR YOURS FOR THAT MATTER!
January 19th, 2012 at 4:28 pm
Tell him that you tried to go that route with him to get help with him. Not until something happens does he listen. So hold firm tell him you will work on things however not until after he finishes treatment. Once he shows the commentment to fix himself will you show that your willing to continue helping.
Hope that makes sence. Good job! i know it’s hard!
January 19th, 2012 at 5:27 pm
its ok to feel sad..but even if you love him you don’t love that alcohol,and don’t need around kids.there are only 2 things that can change your husband GOD and HIMSELF< you can be polite and encourage him while he seeks treatment but not until he is involved with it.he has to decide witch one is more worth living for.be strong my sister
January 19th, 2012 at 5:59 pm
You did an amazing thing!! I am an alcoholic in recovery, and what you’ve done is help him by refusing to enable him any longer, and that is one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone you love. Even if he doesn’t see that.
That being said, I’ve been in a situation, sober, where my ex wanted me to come back. I said no, he was still actively in his alcoholism, and he said he would get help. The problem was he said it only to get me back and that is not how recovery works. He has to do it for himself. I told the ex I would gladly take him to treatment, and he said he would go if I just went over to his place for a while first. I said I would come get him but first we had to make an appointment with the treatment center. He was all good with it until they asked for a credit card number, and it was apparent he had no plans of going after he got me there.
First, if he says he will go, be sure that he goes, before you even discuss getting back together. Second, though this is hard to understand, know that he can’t do it for you or his children or anyone else. He has to do it for him, otherwise he runs a high risk of relapsing. Third, if he does go, don’t think he’s fixed. Recovery is a day to day process, meaning that it is never over. That’s hard to deal with if you think of it overall, but it’s much easier to think of it as a daily thing. Because of that, it would be most beneficial for you and your children to wait until you see changes…give it a few months. And by changes, I don’t mean what he says, but what he DOES.
I wish you the best. Feeling sad is natural, but don’t feel bad. I think you love him deeply to do such a brave thing for him, even when he doesn’t realize it.
If you want some support, look up your local Al-Anon groups. There are many in most cities, and they’re open to everyone. You’d be in good company.